The thing n ° 1 in couples is fighting in relations

When people ask me what couples are fighting the most, they expect usual suspects such as money, sex or parenting. But after years of research, and with real experience in my own marriage, the answer is much simpler: the tone of the voice.

That’s right. These are not the sink dishes or the unpaid credit card bill. This is how partners talk each other about these things that creates tension.

This only takes a change in your subtle – a sigh, an eye roll or a clean edge in your voice – for a simple question like “have you taken out the trash?” Or “Of course, whatever you say …” to land like an accusation.

Research supports this: a study revealed that when we interpret messages, only a small part comes from real words. The rest? Everything is non -verbal: facial expressions, body language and especially the tone.

When we discuss with someone we love, the tone tends to dominate because it has an emotional weight. A cut delivery may seem blame. A dish may look like indifference. Sarcasm can appear as a contempt.

We often do not remember exact words say in a fight. But we remember the way our partner sounded and what he made us feel.

We all slide. When we are tired, stressed or distracted, our tone can betray our real intentions.

The corrective is to make up for you in real time. If you notice that your voice is more severe than expected, take a break. Then try these simple repair movements:

• “Sorry, I didn’t want to say that it comes out so sharp. Let me say differently.”
• “I realize that it seemed much harder than I wanted. What I try to say is …”
• “Wait, I don’t like how it came out. Let me try again.”

He doesn’t need to be dramatic, but you should be honest. This means calling you instead of claiming that nothing has happened. With practice, this honesty becomes easier: you build the muscle by noting your slippages, having them quickly, then reformulating yourself.

These small adjustments show your partner that you are aware of yourself, and this can stop an argument before its snow balls.

When your partner’s tone becomes lively, it is natural to reflect it. But to do this often leads to a spiral of blame how You fight, instead of solving the real problem.

The key is to interrupt the cycle without climbing it. Try to say:

• “I didn’t like the way it sounded. Can you say it in a different way?”
• “I want to hear you, but your tone makes me difficult for me right now. Can you try again?”
• “I understand that you are frustrated, but can you explain this for a little more calmly?”

No accusation. No defensive. Just a simple boost towards better communication.

Sometimes the two partners fall into the tone trap. One person becomes defensive, the other responds with more edge. Soon you are both in a responsive back and forth.

The only way out? Someone must be courageous enough to press the reset button.

I call it a “reset phrase”. It could be:

• “Let’s start.”
• An inner joke.
• A non -verbal gesture like hand pressure.

In my wedding, sometimes my wife will laugh and say: “Listen to us. We look like adolescents.” Other times, I’m going to make a joke and suggest that we take a break. These resets do not erase the disagreement, but they defuse the tone, allowing a more productive conversation.

Mark TraversPHD is a psychologist specializing in relationships. He holds diplomas from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder. He is the main psychologist at Awakened therapyA TV company that provides online psychotherapy, advice and coaching. He is also curator of the popular mental health and well-being website, Therapytips.org.

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