Here is why people risk everything for a matter: the couple therapist

When the ex-CEO of astronomer Andy Byron and the company chief of the company were captured to cuddle a jumbotron during a concert, moral condemnation was followed by a collective question: why would they risk their families and their career for an appointment?

As an executive advisor and therapist of couples, I often spend my days sitting in front of customers who envision or already involved in similar situations. Most are not attackers, narcissists or sexual drug addicts that engage in serial cheating. They are good people: worker, kind and devoted to their careers and their families.

So, what makes a person – even the one who swears that he would never cheat – suddenly cross the precipice and risk everything for a connection?

Humans are wired to want to approve others, and as social beings, our survival often depends on it. We “go with the flow”, repressing our emotions to please those around us.

But like a spring which becomes tighter every year that passes, it can quietly lay the basics of a violent decline.

Here are five surprisingly common psychological traps that can make someone risks everything for a business.

Many of my clients who have embarked on extramarital affairs have always considered themselves “good”. They listened to their parents, studied hard, won a lucrative job, got married, had children and followed all the societal expectations of the letter.

For them, love and acceptance in childhood were linked to success, and they often reach the average age without having a clear meaning from who they really are. When a difficult feeling that “something fails” inevitably to emerge, they sometimes turn to a case to try to fill the void.

It is not surprising that perfectionism is a line that I see in almost all my highly efficient customers. But perfectionism is often a response to trauma. Children in volatile environments or those who give incoherent approval often believe that doing everything perfectly will ensure them in safety.

Over time, they become tired of applying incredibly high standards on themselves and those around them. When a case is signaled, they can suddenly abandon trying to be perfect and to double in the opposite direction.

For them, an illicit relationship may have the impression of being released from their own unrealistic expectations – a balm that softens the rigidity that has framed their lives.

People with weak borders often had parents who were somehow incapable – by dependence, poverty, the feeling of overwhelming or simple immaturity – and the role of emotional stability at home fell on their little shoulders.

Parentified children derive their feeling of value by anticipating and successfully meeting the needs of others. But finally, they start to feel resentment towards the people they “help”.

When a case strikes, they rationalize it by saying that they have spent their whole life to others, and now it is time to do something just for themselves.

As the renowned couples renowned therapist underlines, Esther Perel, in her book “The State of Affairs: rethinking Infidelity”, the victim of a case is not always the victim of the relationship.

Some of my clients engage in business after having endured years of physical, emotional or verbal violence. A secret relationship can be an unexpected reprieve but welcome decades of nasty treatment.

It can also be a subconscious form of reprisals, a decision to explode the relationship once and for all to try to save. There is no going back once a case is exposed, and Scorchad Earth offers them a chance to start again.

One of the first questions I ask to customers who are considering a business is whether they have recently lost someone or something close. Sorrow is a catalyst, and it is often the death of a parent who triggers a reassessment of current relationships and priorities.

During this period of re -evaluation, the limits become more permeable, which sometimes allows a part outside the wedding to make access.

The winner of the Nobel Albert Schweitzer is cited as having said: “”In everyone’s life, at some point, our inner fire goes out. It is then broken in flame by a meeting with another human being. “”

It is this intoxicating feeling of emotional illumination that makes many feel a matter is worth risking everything they used to appreciate. Their vision of the world is narrowed until all aspects of their lives outside the partner of the case are diminished in their field of vision. It is only in retrospect that things get back into their correct scale and the situation can be objectively visualized.

For some couples, a case can trigger the disappearance of a marriage that had already taken its course. For others, this can encourage self-reflection and a renegotiation of the terms of the union, allowing them to emerge stronger and better than before.

Professionally, the consequences can be modified and irreversible.

Learning to defend yourself before reaching any point of emotional rupture is both a personal and professional superpower.

Lisa Oake is a former co-host of the Squawk box from CNBC Asia. She is now a media coach, executive advisorand the host of Be human podcast. Lisa holds a master’s degree in journalism and counseling. His articles focus on executive mental health, leadership and efficient communication.